I’m Pregnant!

5 03 2010

I honestly can’t believe I’ve just typed that, I don’t believe it!!

I keep thinking it must be happening to someone else, then I remind myself that it’s really happening… to ME… after 30 months… it’s actually my turn!!!

I got up yesterday morning as normal, fully expecting my period to have arrived through the night because I felt “wet” but it was no where to be seen. So I went about my normal morning routine, had my shower and left the bathroom with a handful of super size tampons to stock my handbag for the day. 

After I got dressed and was about to head out the house I phoned the nurse at the fertility clinic to tell her my period hadn’t arrived so far but would be there any minute. She asked me if I’d done another test, I told her no that the last one I’d taken was on Friday when I was 16 DPO and it was negative and I wasn’t doing any more because my period was just about to start.

She asked me to go and do another test and call her back. She said if it was negative she’d get me in and do a scan to see what was happening as she couldn’t understand why I’d not had a period or a positive test result. So I hung up feeling quite annoyed and almost phoned her back to tell her I’d done a test and it was negative without even doing one! I just thought it was a farce, my period was about to start and she was asking me to endure yet another slap in the face with a  BFN, I really wasn’t in the mood.

I decided against lying to a medical professional and relented and went to the bathroom to take another test. :o)

I was struggling to pee as I’d not long been but managed to squeeze out enough to dip in my internet cheapy! I actually threw the test in the tub and the pee went over the “max” line but I wasn’t caring, I thought it a pointless excercise.

After the required time I removed it from the pot (I say pot but it’s actually the lid from a can of hairspray) and threw the remainder of the pee down the loo.

Well you can imagine my surprise when I looked back around and saw 2 lines.

Positive internet cheapy!

I’d never ever seen that before and there was a slight delay as it registered. Once it did register I burst in to tears saying things like “Oh no, Oh no, Oh shit Oh shit, Oh my god Oh my god” repeatedly! I was in the house myself and I’m sure I might have handled it differently if DH had been there!

My first thoughts were that it hadn’t happened perfectly, I mean that I’d had nearly a bottle of wine only 6 days before and I’d been quite lax about taking my Pregnacare tablet as I thought my period was coming. I felt so guilty about both these things hence the “Oh no’s”!

If I hadn’t thrown my pee down the loo you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d have taken every test I had right there and then (which was 6 in total).

So after I’d managed to stop the tears I hesitantly called the nurse back. When I told her I’d just gotten a positive result she said “see I told you you could do it”! I told her that it really was quite a shock and she guessed that I’d only agreed to do the test to keep her happy :o)

She asked if it was a Clearblue test and I admitted that no it wasn’t, it was a cheap one I’d got from the internet. She said it didn’t matter but asked if it was only a faint positive. I said no, as I’m sure you can tell too, the second line isn’t as dark as the control line but it’s definitely there.

I asked about the really bad pains I’d been getting and she said unfortunately some women do have that. She said if they get more severe or if I bleed I’ve to call her straight away and she’ll get me in to do a scan.

However, since getting that positive result the pains haven’t been as bad. Don’t get me wrong they still come and go but they aren’t as frequent and are not as sore! I truly believe that because I was convinced my period was coming my body was reacting to that. And now that I am, dare I say it again…pregnant, my brain has switched gears and I even felt queasy this morning and I’ve been so hungry since supper time last night!! Now I didn’t feel like that 48 hours ago when I was pregnant and didn’t know about it!! The power of the mind :o)

Back to my story…

The nurse has booked me in for an internal scan on Tuesday 23 March when I’ll be 8 weeks, I’m shaking my head as I type this, this is usually something I’d say about someone else. So when I’m 8 weeks pregnant they should be able to see the heartbeat.. how cool is that!! :o)

I’m going to be someone’s Mum…eeeek!!!!

Bring it on I say, the time is right! :o)

Part 2 to follow soon ….


21 DPO and still no AF!

3 03 2010

I’m so confused and fed up, I’m starting to feel really weepy and keep dreaming of pregnant people!

I don’t believe for a single second that I’m pregnant, the pains and cramps are too intense. If I were pregnant I’d be absolutely worried sick and wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t know if this is my way of dismissing the chance of pregnancy as I think the pregnancy wouldn’t last… I just don’t know, my head is mince!!

The image above is from the Pregnancy Monitor on my Fertility Friend chart, the summary “You are past your usual luteal phase. You may take a test, you may be pregnant!” is somehow offensive to me, probably only because I know I’m not pregnant. Maybe any other month I might still be very hopeful and glad of that little piece of wisdom!

I called the hospital on Monday for the results of my 7 DPO blood test and the nurse said it looked really good and confirmed I did ovulate (which wasn’t such a surprise). I told her my period still hadn’t arrived and that all 3 pregnancy tests I’d taken were negative. I’ve to call back tomorrow if I’ve still not got my period by then. Unfortunately I don’t know what she’ll suggest, just have to wait and see I suppose. I’m kinda thinking they may do a blood test to confirm BFN and then hope they will give me something to bring on AF.

I received a lovely comment from Jan in Australia this morning. You may remember her daughter had a bad reaction to the drugs in her first IVF cycle, you can read it again here “IVF risks“.

Jan did say that it’s difficult for her to watch her daughter go through this and it got me thinking about my own loved ones, namely my sister and my Mum.

I suppose I’ve not really considered how difficult it must be for loved ones to stand by helplessly and watch my journey to motherhood. I know I’d be devastated if it was my sister who had to go through what I’m going through and I’m glad it’s me and not her.

Is it best to tell them everything or not? I don’t know, I suppose I’ll need to ask them but I feel by telling them everything they aren’t worrying about things that don’t exist. I suppose you could say they are worrying about the things that are happening and I feel this is the position I’d rather be in if I were on the other side of this infertility fence.

I know this is the hormones talking and as I sit typing this I’m blinking back the tears (if the boss sees me he’ll no doubt think I’ve lost the plot) but I’d like to apologise to my loved ones, I’m sorry I’ve put them through this, I wish this was one journey we didn’t need to embark on but I’m so glad they are right there with me x

I did okay…

4 02 2010

Sadly my BIL’s mother died a week ago and her funeral was a few days ago. You may remember me getting a call about her on the day I had my ER.

As my nephew won’t stay with anyone apart from his Mum (my sister) at the moment, I looked after him whilst the rest of the family went to the funeral service (in the hope he’d not get too upset). After the service there was a gathering for tea/sandwiches and I took my nephew along, it really helped my BIL I think.

However my pregnant cousin whom I wrote about at Christmas time (Is she?) was there and it was the first time since she’d told everyone she was pregnant that I’ve seen her.

After a while she came over to me and we talked about her pregnancy, she didn’t push it in my face in any way. It was other people around us who were asking her questions and slowly I was able to ask a few of my own, ie any morning sickness, cravings etc. And I was okay! I thought I’d burst into tears as soon as I saw her but I didn’t. I did have a lump in my throat but managed to ged rid of it with coffee and cake :o)

Then I saw her again last night, at her house. She took me to the side and said how unfair it was that she got pregnant after only 3 months. She told me she’d not really even had a proper period since stopping BCP’s and had no idea where her cycle was to even try and take OPK’s a pregnant friend had given her. To her surprise when her period didn’t come the 3rd month she did a HPT, again supplied by her friend, and it was positive.

I told her that I am so glad she didn’t have to go through any of the stuff I’ve been through and I truly mean it. IF is def something you’d not wish on anyone (well there might be one person but that’s another story!!).

To be honest I’m still in shock about her news… still after all these weeks, still after seeing her scan photo’s etc. I just can’t believe she’s pregnant, maybe when her bump starts to show reality will hit me. I can’t imagine her or her DH with a baby, their baby. Or my aunty and uncle with their very first grandchild, why???

Why is her pregnancy taking so long to sink in to my brain??

My Mum thinks it’s because we are so close… I’ll explain:

  • My Mum and my cousin’s Mum are sisters
  • My Dad and my cousin’s Dad are brothers
  • So 2 sisters married 2 brothers.

So I suppose she is like my sister but I can’t imagine I’d feel like this if my sister got pregnant again. I actually keep wondering when her and my BIL will plan their next kid, not with dread but with excitement… I am starting to get worried that I may need psychiatric help!! :o)

And in other news… I def feel like OV is imminent! I’ve got OV pains, my cerix is HOS and I’ve got fertile CM. I’ve got my scan appt tomorrow morning to see how my follies are doing and I’m even thinking about telling DH that I’ve been told we must have sex everday, without fail, for 7 days! I’m sure I’ll not be told this but I want to cover all bases.

Sometimes, no let me change that to all the time, I feel like the responsibility of timing sex and getting me pregnant is MY responsibility, just mine’s. DH doesn’t have a very high sex drive, although he’d say otherwise, but I wish he’d instigate things in that department more often in an attempt to get me pregnant. He’s told friends that he’s desperate to be a Dad again but I don’t feel like he’s putting in any of the leg work!!! He doesn’t ask if I’m OV, he never asks when AF is due, never asks anything about my cycle or our attempts to get pregnant, nothing! I feel quite jealous when I read other blogs and see other DH’s embarking on the journey with their wives/partners, when it does look like they are on a joint endeavour to have a baby!

However, I do love DH and know he’ll be a great Dad to any children we may have but I can feel a “talk” coming on!!!

Any and all suggestions on how to get him onboard are very welcome.

One down, one to go!

28 12 2009

This may sound horrible but I’m glad Christmas is over!

Luckily I never met either of my pregnant cousins over the past couple of days, I was dreading it!

My family usually go to my Aunt and Uncle’s every Christmas night for a few drinks and my cousin D and her husband are always there and this year was no different. I was dreading my aunt phoning and asking us to go to her house but luckily she never. I wouldn’t have been able to go and for that I’m pretty peeved at myself. I thought I was coping well with friends and relatives getting pregnant and having their babies but I wonder if I’m struggling because IVF didn’t work?? I think it’s only now that it’s hitting me exactly what I’ve been through and what I’ve “lost”.

I know I’ve not really lost anything, I wasn’t even pregnant, but at one point my DH and I had an embryo, a potential baby that would have meant so much to us.

I used to think all I needed to do for a guaranteed pregnancy was to go through IVF. The realisation that I’d done IVF and it hadn’t worked hit me just a couple of weeks ago. I was driving to work and the realisation that my “safety card”, my guarantee hadn’t worked hit me like a ten tonne truck. I felt sheer panic!! And the repeated thought “what am I going to do now?”  never left me that day.

The IVF consultant and friends have said that it was only our first time and there’s no reason why it can’t work the next time but at the moment I can’t help thinking the exact same thing will happen again, that I won’t be able to keep our embryo alive. I feel like my body is failing us and have even been thinking I might need to consider using donor eggs. But with that comes the thought that if it does work and I do have a baby that it won’t have any characteristics of me or my family. I love when my Mum says that my nephew plays with his food just like I did! Really stupid but it makes me feel happy when we see small things like that! I feel sad to think I won’t get a chance to see that for myself in my own child.

Just one more day to go… New Years Day!

We have been invited to my cousins house at the New Year and normally I love it but I just can’t go this year. Now I’m worrying about what excuse I can use for not going. I know I can tell my sister exactly why I don’t want to go but I don’t want to tell my Mum or DH. I don’t want them to know I’ve reached that stage of IF where I can’t be around pregnant people. How stupid/naive was I to think it wouldn’t happen to me!!

I recently read an IF story that struck a cord:

“Such a daft thing, but it’s just another reminder that whilst the world moves on, we’re stuck on the periphery, noses pressed to glass, voyeurs in a family-orientated world where we don’t belong and can’t take part.”  The full story can be read here: http://infertilitynetworkuk.com/uploadedFiles/Understanding/INUK%20Rachel.pdf

Sorry for the somber post and I do hope that many of you received the greatest Christmas present ever… a BFP!! :o)

And for the rest of us, here’s hoping 2010 will be the year when we can take part too x

She is!!

20 12 2009

My cousin who I thought was pregnant is pregnant!!

My aunt, her mother, when drunk last night admitted she was going to be a Granny!

I feel so devasted and can’t stop crying. I don’t know why, I would never wish her happy news away. Of course I want her to have what I want and have wanted for what seems like an eternity!

Am I turning in to one of those women who break down everytime she hears someone is pregnant? I don’t want to, I want to control this but at the same time I feel so fed up that I have to control my feelings all the time. Sometimes I do feel like crying so hard and letting it all out and not care who sees me. When I have been crying I do it in private, I wait til DH is asleep or I go away to the toilet. I don’t want people, DH included, to think I’m a weak, neurotic, obsessed woman. The truth is… I AM!

I’m feeling sorry for myself…

CD 21!!

17 11 2009

Since my IVF post mortem I have been on a mission (that’s what it feels like) to prove that doctor wrong!!

I have been peeing on OPK sticks since 04 November, CD10 and I only got a positive result on Sunday 15 November, CD 21!!

I bloody knew it, why won’t these pompous know it alls listen to me, they just treat me like an ignorant, stupid woman… I’m sick of it!!

So my plan is to go see my GP, I’ve never been to this GP with fertility issues before as I moved house. Well lets just say this new GP will NOT get the chance to fob me off! :o)

I’m going to try and get her to do some tests about my luteal phase length too… fingers crossed! Mind you I’ll need to wait until my period comes to be armed with even more uptodate data (I’ve got 24 months worth but this still isn’t enough for these people)!! Deep sigh…

I’ve been charting this on Fertility Friend and according to the site I ovulated on CD22… imagine if I was using this as birth control (well that’s what it feels like sometimes) but deary me I’d be in bother!! If I wasn’t an infertily myrtle ;o)


5 11 2009

I went to see an acupuncturist last night, one who specialises in fertility who was recommended by “A” who recently got a BFP after IVF #1.

Having tried acupuncture about 2 years ago for the exact same thing I thought I knew what to expect but to be honest this was different! For a start there was no painful muscle spasms due to the needles being connected to what looked like a car battery charger!!

Because I thought I knew what to expect and where I expected the needles to be placed, lets just say I should’ve worn my good underwear!

After asking me questions about my general health, hobbies, work etc he asked what I thought were interesting questions:

  • do you dream?
  • do you have recurrent dreams?
  • how would your friends describe you (this was the most difficult question to answer)
  • do you have dry skin/eyes/mouth?
  • do you pespire a lot?
  • do you get angry often?
  • and when I told him I’d suffered from chlamydia, he asked “what’s that?” Didn’t I feel like the town wh@re explaining that it’s an STD!!! I quickly dismissed telling him that I was in a long term relationship when diagnosed and I didn’t sleep around, had only had so many sexual partners, etc etc… he really didn’t need to know all that stuff!! I think he probably has heard of this before but as he’s French it was maybe the first time he’s heard the word in English… I’m just trying to make myself feel better after knowing I’m his first ever STD patient!!! Oh joy!! Yet another thing to thank IF for!

So we got started on the acupuncture…

He asked me to get undressed down to my underwear and lie on the table, cover myself then he’d be back. I did have a brief “OMG what if this isn’t kosha” moment but got underdressed anyway! :o)

He then took my wrists, one at a time, and I thought he was taking my pulse but he probably wasn’t, he just seemed to be listening/concentrating?

He then pressed various points on my body and asked me if any were tender. My collar bone, breast bone, ribs, stomach and uterus area. The only thing I felt was a really strange tickly feeling when he did the one just under my rib on the right. I don’t know what this told him but I should’ve asked .

He then asked me to turn over, to lie face down. He asked if he could undo my bra strap and this is when I had my first thought about whether it was decent underwear I had one! Then he inserted the needles up and down my spine, not sure how many. He then left the room and I lay there for about 10 mins. I was trying to relax but my head was full of thoughts as always and the cleaners were just outside the door hoovering the corridor! I was worried they’d open the door and come in at any time. The cover had been pulled down to my hips and my bra was still on at the front but I really didn’t want them to catch a glimpse of me lying there like a puddock!

So he came back in and got me to turn over again, after he’d fastened my bra back up (it was strange, not creepy in any way, but weird).

He then put the needles this time on both wrists, both feet and he put 3 along my knicker line.. again I was thinking “why did I have to wear these old comfy knickers?”. The cover was covering my pants but even if he saw the elastic band at the top of them that was bad enough! Again he left the room for about 10 mins and turned the ceiling lights off and left a lamp on.

He did ask if I felt okay about everything, ie the covers being lowered etc and I told him in a bambling sort of way that having gone through IVF I had been through much worse and was past the point of caring! He did say that he hoped I would leave with my dignity in tact after visiting him… and of course I did. I then went on to tell him how unfair it was that women have to go through so much with IVF whereas men don’t have to do that much!! Why oh why can’t I just shut up at times!! :-s

He did ask how my experience differed from my last acupuncture experience and when I told him that the last guy had connected the needles to electricity he was shocked, he told me that electricity is normally used to treat musculoskeletal issues, not fertility. He said that he treats fertility very gently and that the idea is to adjust the energies without them noticing! I also told him about the last guy giving me homeopathic tablets which contained very slight traces of arsenic. He laughed and said “I think he was trying to murder you!” :o) In his lovely French accent it was really funny!!

He is a lovely guy who seems to know what he’s talking about and he has a website:  www.scotland-acupuncture.co.uk. Oh and he’s very easy on the eye too ;o) x