No longer infertile

6 03 2010

As I’m no longer infertile… so they say, not that I believe it, I’ve decided to start a pregnancy blog.

Having read many infertility blogs I always felt a bit irked when they became pregnancy blogs. To be honest at first I really didn’t mind, it gave me hope and I was genuinely happy for those women who had struggled to get their dream but as more and more time passed the harder it became to continue reading them. I only wanted to read about infertiles, people like me who totally understood how I felt.

Doesn’t that word “infertiles” sound horrible? But to be honest I did feel like it was some horrible disease no one knew I had. It was weighing heavily on my shoulders, work colleagues etc didn’t know about it as it wasn’t something I wore on my sleeve to allow people to see how I was suffering.

I can now admit that I was starting to loathe my body for not doing something that many many others seemed to do without effort. To my body I now apologise… the time just wasn’t right!

I therefore don’t want to cause anyone any undue stress or frustration.

My new blog is called A Pregnant Infertile, please, if you can, join me on an amazing journey I hope to endure to the finish line!


I’m Pregnant! – Part 2

6 03 2010

I finished yesterday at the point where I’d just spoken to the nurse at the fertility clinic.

She was the first  person who shared the news that I was pregnant. It was something I thought about before calling her. I wanted to make sure I’d be okay knowing she knew before DH but I thought I’d better check with her first that I was definitely pregnant. There was no way for her to confirm what I’d saw on the test, it wasn’t a video call! I just thought speaking  to a nurse would make it real and then I texted DH.

This is how much shock I was in… I texted “Look what’s happened!!!” with the photo of this test


Look what’s happened??? In all the time I’ve been dreaming about a BFP and elaborate ways in which I could tell DH, “Look what’s happened” never ever played a part!!! :o)

I immediately tried to call him but got the message “unable to connect your call” so I texted him again and asked him to call me asap. Then I put my coat on, ran back in to the bathroom for that digital Clearblue test I’d been keeping for good, then left the house and was just about to start the car when DH phoned! His first words to me were “I knew it, I knew it”.

As he was at work and I was on my way to mine’s I never saw him until 7 hours later.

So I drove to work in a complete daze, DH did ask me to take extra care driving in to work as he knew I was as “high as a kite” and I managed it. To be honest I can’t really remember the journey, scary eh!

The hardest part at work that morning was not grinning like a cheshire cat for what would appear to be for no apparent reason. One of the first things I did before any work was mark the BFP on my Fertility Friend chart. I didn’t allow myself any research in to how far along I was etc. I got stuck in to work to stop from completely losing it!!

I texted my sister to ask if she’d be in at lunchtime as I couldn’t wait to see her. Just the day before we were talking about how hard it was for her to watch me go through this. Last April my Mum, my sister and my nephew and I went to Edinburgh Zoo. Whilst passing the stork enclosure my sister said to them “…just come and bring my sister a baby”! I had to choke back the tears, as I’m doing just now.

So the countdown was on to lunchtime and every time I thought about telling her I got butterflies. I did think about doing the digital test at her house but was absolutely bursting my 11.55am that I relented and did the test in the toilet at work.

I wasn’t alone in there and when that display came up “Pregnant” I had to scream with my mouth shut! The other patron no doubt thought I had constipation or something as the squeeks escaped my closed mouth!!! :o)

Needless to say when I saw my sister there were lots of hugs and screams and it was brilliant! We frightened my nephew with all our screaming though, poor wee scone.

My Dad came in to my sisters about 20 mins later and we had to compose ourselves and talk about other things as I wanted to tell him and my Mum together later that day.

I went back to work and did very little if truth be told ;o)

I finished early and saw DH, there were no great hugs and squeeks this time, he’s just not like that but one of the things I knew he’d say is that he believed the docs in EFREC fleeced us! I told him that it didn’t matter to me, it was the right thing to do at the time, I couldn’t have not tried it.

We worked out that the price of me getting pregnant only cost £1.33 (3 month prescription costing £4 and we only needed to use one months worth).

It is a whole lot different from £4,000 but still it’s all been part of our journey and it will no doubt help me become a good Mum, I’ll treasure the gift that so many take for granted.

We went and told my F-I-L next, M-I-L wasn’t there as she was visiting my S-I-L. My what a lot of acronyms for one sentence!

My S-I-L told me that I was pregnant as soon as I walked in to her living room. She’d seen me hoovering last week and had told DH’s Mum that I was pregnant! I didn’t even know I was pregnant then… she must have some kind of psychic ability!!

We then bumped in to DH’s daughter (23 years old) but we didn’t tell her. She’d be really really happy for us I know but she’s not very good at keeping secrets and even told us that she’d almost told a man that day about his surprise birthday party that was being planned for him! We’re going to wait until after the scan on the 23rd. It’s only 17 days away so we just need to be really careful that none of us lets it slip.

Then it was down to see my parents, everytime I thought about telling my Mum I got butterflies. I was really looking forward to telling her. We usually email each other every day but she’d not emailed me, thankfully as it’d have been hard to keep it to myself and I knew that I didn’t want her to find out that way.

My sister and nephew came with us. I just walked up to my Mum and gave her the digital test and said “here’s a belated birthday present”! She took it from me and although she didn’t have her specs on she knew what it was positive! You know how when you have confirmation of your OV day you count forward to when you can test, well I knew that I could test on my Mum’s birthday and I dreamed of telling her when we all met for dinner that night. Unfortunately the test I did that day was negative so I never mentioned it!

After the shock hit her she jumped up and we hugged and kissed and cried and screamed and it was great!!!! :o)

I never slept that night, my DH fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow so there no congratulatory BD or talks of the future. I however downloaded various pregnancy Apps for my iPhone until 1am then I eventually fell asleep. I then woke at 4.55am wide awake and starving! I had to get up and have something, a block of cheese was the easiest thing so that’s what I had and I never fell back asleep. My head was just full of lots and lots of pregnancy thoughts and it was great!

Unfortunately the battery in the digital test packed in and I can’t see that “Pregnant” result when I need the reassurance that I am really and truly pregnant anymore. Fear not though as I’ve ordered a 2 pack from Access Diagnostics, they only cost £8.40 and that is for 2 of those tests that not only tell you you are pregnant but how far along you are. Was hoping they’d have been here this morning but they’ve not arrived so I took another internet cheapy one and that second line is quite a bit darker than the first test I did. For a split second I felt the dread of the test being negative but luckily it never happened. The second line actually appeared as the dye worked it’s way up the stick!! :o)

I’ve already bought “I’m Pregnant” magazine and will buy a pregnancy book next week when I’m at work, I’ll nip out at lunch time and hope no one I know sees me hovvering about the Pregnancy section! I’m willing to risk it!!