21 DPO and still no AF!

3 03 2010

I’m so confused and fed up, I’m starting to feel really weepy and keep dreaming of pregnant people!

I don’t believe for a single second that I’m pregnant, the pains and cramps are too intense. If I were pregnant I’d be absolutely worried sick and wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t know if this is my way of dismissing the chance of pregnancy as I think the pregnancy wouldn’t last… I just don’t know, my head is mince!!

The image above is from the Pregnancy Monitor on my Fertility Friend chart, the summary “You are past your usual luteal phase. You may take a test, you may be pregnant!” is somehow offensive to me, probably only because I know I’m not pregnant. Maybe any other month I might still be very hopeful and glad of that little piece of wisdom!

I called the hospital on Monday for the results of my 7 DPO blood test and the nurse said it looked really good and confirmed I did ovulate (which wasn’t such a surprise). I told her my period still hadn’t arrived and that all 3 pregnancy tests I’d taken were negative. I’ve to call back tomorrow if I’ve still not got my period by then. Unfortunately I don’t know what she’ll suggest, just have to wait and see I suppose. I’m kinda thinking they may do a blood test to confirm BFN and then hope they will give me something to bring on AF.

I received a lovely comment from Jan in Australia this morning. You may remember her daughter had a bad reaction to the drugs in her first IVF cycle, you can read it again here “IVF risks“.

Jan did say that it’s difficult for her to watch her daughter go through this and it got me thinking about my own loved ones, namely my sister and my Mum.

I suppose I’ve not really considered how difficult it must be for loved ones to stand by helplessly and watch my journey to motherhood. I know I’d be devastated if it was my sister who had to go through what I’m going through and I’m glad it’s me and not her.

Is it best to tell them everything or not? I don’t know, I suppose I’ll need to ask them but I feel by telling them everything they aren’t worrying about things that don’t exist. I suppose you could say they are worrying about the things that are happening and I feel this is the position I’d rather be in if I were on the other side of this infertility fence.

I know this is the hormones talking and as I sit typing this I’m blinking back the tears (if the boss sees me he’ll no doubt think I’ve lost the plot) but I’d like to apologise to my loved ones, I’m sorry I’ve put them through this, I wish this was one journey we didn’t need to embark on but I’m so glad they are right there with me x


Yesterday was Test Day!

23 02 2010

According to Fertility Friend, yesterday was test day as I was 12 DPO. I usually get a visit from AF around 11 DPO but she hasn’t came to visit yet. But it’s not for the lack of trying on her part, I’m getting the same old telltale “pulling” pains.

So I did the test anyway and no surprise:    it was a BFN!

It looks like the Clomid might actually lengthen my luteal phase if nothing else.

I still haven’t ordered more OPK’s for next month, I’m going to wait until it’s definitely, without a doubt, over this month… yip I’m clinging on to that little bit of hope by my fingernails!

I have some hope only because I’ve got the cold and with that a cold sore (which I haven’t had for about 10 years).

My friend told me when she fell pregnant she went to the doc with a bad cold and instead of recommending the usual bed rest, cough medicine etc. she was asked to do a pregnancy test. To her shock it came back positive and her period wasn’t even late by this point!

And yes I have searched FF for all the charts that have BFN’s before BFP’s. Even found one girl on the net who’s pregnancy test didn’t appear positive until she was 18 DPO.

Hope does live here…but only for the briefest of moments!

What a week…

25 11 2009

So I’ve got my good underwear on again… it’s time to see Pascal the Acupuncturist tonight!! I must say I feel like I need to see him, it’s been a long week and I’m looking forward to relaxing and chilling out for a bit!

My boss’ daughter had a wee boy the other day and I was invited to look at the photo’s etc. My boss when telling me how chuffed he is said “I can’t describe it, you’ll not know what it feels like until it happens to you”. My eyes were stinging with tears trying to break out and my throat felt like it’d been clamped shut. I got a dull stabbing pain in my chest and could only nod at him in agreement. I really could have screamed “No shit Einstein! You know I’m trying to experience that for myself, why oh f*cking why would you say such a thing to me you insensitive twat”!

Needles to say I wasn’t in too great a mood after that, coupled with the fact that AF is imminent and I’ve got PMS from hell!

You know I get so angry with myself month after month. I mean how could I have been so stupid yet again to think that maybe this month I will be pregnant and AF won’t show. Why oh why do I constantly ride this rollercoaster and believe “this” month it’ll happen?? You’d think by now I’d have learned my lesson but oh no I keep coming back for more!

I’m going to make that appointment with my GP for next week and see if she can help refer me for further tests re my luteal phase. I’m 9 DPO today and think my period will either come today or tomorrow morning so my LP isn’t long at all. If she even tries to fob me off I may committ murder… I’m a donkey on the edge!!! ;o)

CD 21!!

17 11 2009

Since my IVF post mortem I have been on a mission (that’s what it feels like) to prove that doctor wrong!!

I have been peeing on OPK sticks since 04 November, CD10 and I only got a positive result on Sunday 15 November, CD 21!!

I bloody knew it, why won’t these pompous know it alls listen to me, they just treat me like an ignorant, stupid woman… I’m sick of it!!

So my plan is to go see my GP, I’ve never been to this GP with fertility issues before as I moved house. Well lets just say this new GP will NOT get the chance to fob me off! :o)

I’m going to try and get her to do some tests about my luteal phase length too… fingers crossed! Mind you I’ll need to wait until my period comes to be armed with even more uptodate data (I’ve got 24 months worth but this still isn’t enough for these people)!! Deep sigh…

I’ve been charting this on Fertility Friend and according to the site I ovulated on CD22… imagine if I was using this as birth control (well that’s what it feels like sometimes) but deary me I’d be in bother!! If I wasn’t an infertily myrtle ;o)

I dare to dream!

24 10 2009

Although I’ve taken 3 HPT’s since last Saturday (ET day) and they’ve all been negative, I still have moments when I believe IVF has worked!

Of course these moments are usually followed quite quickly with “don’t be f*cking stupid!!!”

What can I say… it’s like being a schizophrenic! With one good, hopefull, optomistic person who shares my brain with another person who is realistic, pessimistic and blunt!

But I have been having moments where I’ve thought… on Wednesday (test day) what will we do first when we’re told I’m pregnant? Who will we phone first? Will we go out and celebrate? And I’ll definitely take that digital HPT that I’ve been saving to use when I’ll know I’ll definitely get “pregnant” appearing in the window (this one I’m planning to keep until my dying day).

I haven’t had any pregnancy symptoms!! In fact I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms all those months when I was most definitely not pregnant.

My boobs have been sore since the hCG shot so I can’t use this as an indication. The only thing is I’ve not had those really sore AF cramps yet but then I’m thinking it’s probably the progesterone that’s keeping them away until a later date, ie not the usual DPO day (I’ll need to check this with Dr Google mind you!).

I’ve had a strange day today… I POAS first thing this morning and off course it was negative. I really didn’t expect it to have that much effect on me but I was quite teary and I did feel like I was in that dark moody place I usually go to when AF is on the cards. I felt much better when we met up with my S-I-L and niece and for the rest of the day I’ve not felt too teary.

But tonight I started to feel sick, I feel like I’m about to get the flu… the tops of my arms and the top of my back is aching, I’ve got earache and a dull headache. It feels a bit like a hangover… although no alcohol has crossed my lips in months!

And of course the almost hourly toilet visits are providing some hope, that and the fact that every TP check is “clear”! :o) Has anyone else became obsessed with checking toilet paper after every single toilet visit? I swear this was never something I ever did before TTC!!

Something I’ve noticed for a few days now, there’s a strange feeling at the back of my throat. Like a horrible taste or feeling, like you get when you are about to go under with anaesthetic?? Don’t know if this is even remotely related but it’s been someting I’ve noticed!

My S-I-L was asking me if I was getting really excited about Wednesday and the truth is I’m not. I’m scared of the “knowing”. Just now there is a chance that I may be pregnant, there is also the chance that I may not be. But come Wednesday if the result is negative I’ll know for definite and there won’t be any room for hope, for that “I might be pregnant” hope that I have at the moment. Of course the thought that they will tell me I am pregnant is something I don’t think about too often. So at the moment I’m not looking forward to Wednesday, yesterday I was!!

And I am still analysing the hell out of my FF chart! :o)

According to FF I am 10 DPO and it suggests I take a test on Monday, when I’ll be 12 DPO. I must admit that I studied the chart gallery for women who have been through IVF and only those who got a BFP. I also checked those who had BFN’s before they had a BFP. It looks like those women who tested early never got a positive result until they were 12 DPO… this gives me hope for Monday!! I also found one woman who tested every day for 10 or so days and only got BFN’s but she got a BFP when she had a beta test!!! This also gives me hope for Wednesday (only if AF does not appear before then).

FF has given me a due date of 07 July 2010 if I am pregnant!! :o) I’m also wondering if the clinic will give me a due date if my result turns out to be positive?? And I’m wondering what date they’ll give me. I have a sneaky feeling I’ll only get told positive or negative and won’t get a number (hCG quantity?) like IVF’ers in America get but I might ask anyway… surely they’ve had neurotic, research hungry, experienced blog surfers ask for this before!!! :o)

I’m away to bed to try and dream positive happy thoughts and think myself lucky for another AF free day :o)

I’m in the dreaded 2WW!!

22 10 2009

In the 2ww after IVF

So…  it’s been 5 full days since ET.

I’ve started charting again using Fertility Friend and it’s great to have my chart to complete every morning, it also helps keep me from getting bored whilst I lie and let the progesterone “sink” in (not that I’ve been told to do this, I’ve just decided it can’t do any harm!). I’ve to administer the progesterone gel every morning until I go for my blood test/pregnancy test at the clinic on the 28th (only 6 days away). I was told I was going to be given a pessary but my idea of a pessary is like the Canesten one you get for thrush, ie a tablet that you put up inside and it dissolves. Well the gel isn’t like that.

Here’s what I’ve been given: Crinone 8%

Progesterone gel

Progesterone gel

You twist off the circle at the end (shown at the far right on this picture) which opens the tube. You then insert the tube, then squeeze the square at the other end (shown at the far left on the picture) to force the liquid out.

As the day goes on it does feel like you’ve wet yourself slightly as this is the gel working it’s way out due to gravity!! At least it’s not a big injection in the butt!! :o)

My FF chart as of this morning looks like this:

FF Chart

FF Chart

So according to FF I’m 8DPO and I’m on CD 26. If this were a normal cycle I’d have definitely felt more cramps by now. I’m in no way ruling out that AF might still show up but I’m allowing myself to dream… is that stupid? You’d think by now that I’d be over that, that I’d learn to just wait until at least the day before AF shows before getting my hopes up. But that’s the rollercoaster which is TTC! I’ve already buckled and taken 2 PT’s, yip I POAS 2dp3dt, then again yesterday at 4dp3dt… I know I’m being stupid but again I live in hope! (PS I’ve not told DH about the POAS!!)

Usually a few days before AF shows up when I lie on my side in bed I can feel a stabbing pain, a sort of shifting of something, in my lower abdomen. I braced myself last night for it as I turned round to go to sleep and it didn’t happen… I know there are a few days yet and it might still happen but lets just say I went to sleep with a smile on my face last night!! :o)

A really good thing happened the other day, a lady who had her ER and ET on the same days, at the same clinic, who was in the same room as me for at least 4 hours has contacted me through this blog… I am soooo chuffed!! :o)

It’s true what they say, no one makes eye contact or speaks to you whilst you’re in the waiting room at a fertility clinic… and all I want to do is stand up and shout “My name is “Carole and I’m an Infertile, someone please speak to me”!!

Anyway, it’s great having someone to talk to who knows exactly how it feels to be another day closer to PT day without AF showing up! It’s so weird that we were in such close proximity and never met one another, thank you mister internet! :o)

There are a few other things that have been going round and round in my brain which I’ll post soon… hopefully once they are out and on this blog, they’ll not plague my thoughts!!

Happy ICLW everyone!