No longer infertile

6 03 2010

As I’m no longer infertile… so they say, not that I believe it, I’ve decided to start a pregnancy blog.

Having read many infertility blogs I always felt a bit irked when they became pregnancy blogs. To be honest at first I really didn’t mind, it gave me hope and I was genuinely happy for those women who had struggled to get their dream but as more and more time passed the harder it became to continue reading them. I only wanted to read about infertiles, people like me who totally understood how I felt.

Doesn’t that word “infertiles” sound horrible? But to be honest I did feel like it was some horrible disease no one knew I had. It was weighing heavily on my shoulders, work colleagues etc didn’t know about it as it wasn’t something I wore on my sleeve to allow people to see how I was suffering.

I can now admit that I was starting to loathe my body for not doing something that many many others seemed to do without effort. To my body I now apologise… the time just wasn’t right!

I therefore don’t want to cause anyone any undue stress or frustration.

My new blog is called A Pregnant Infertile, please, if you can, join me on an amazing journey I hope to endure to the finish line!





I’m Pregnant! – Part 2

6 03 2010

I finished yesterday at the point where I’d just spoken to the nurse at the fertility clinic.

She was the first  person who shared the news that I was pregnant. It was something I thought about before calling her. I wanted to make sure I’d be okay knowing she knew before DH but I thought I’d better check with her first that I was definitely pregnant. There was no way for her to confirm what I’d saw on the test, it wasn’t a video call! I just thought speaking  to a nurse would make it real and then I texted DH.

This is how much shock I was in… I texted “Look what’s happened!!!” with the photo of this test

Positive!

Look what’s happened??? In all the time I’ve been dreaming about a BFP and elaborate ways in which I could tell DH, “Look what’s happened” never ever played a part!!! :o)

I immediately tried to call him but got the message “unable to connect your call” so I texted him again and asked him to call me asap. Then I put my coat on, ran back in to the bathroom for that digital Clearblue test I’d been keeping for good, then left the house and was just about to start the car when DH phoned! His first words to me were “I knew it, I knew it”.

As he was at work and I was on my way to mine’s I never saw him until 7 hours later.

So I drove to work in a complete daze, DH did ask me to take extra care driving in to work as he knew I was as “high as a kite” and I managed it. To be honest I can’t really remember the journey, scary eh!

The hardest part at work that morning was not grinning like a cheshire cat for what would appear to be for no apparent reason. One of the first things I did before any work was mark the BFP on my Fertility Friend chart. I didn’t allow myself any research in to how far along I was etc. I got stuck in to work to stop from completely losing it!!

I texted my sister to ask if she’d be in at lunchtime as I couldn’t wait to see her. Just the day before we were talking about how hard it was for her to watch me go through this. Last April my Mum, my sister and my nephew and I went to Edinburgh Zoo. Whilst passing the stork enclosure my sister said to them “…just come and bring my sister a baby”! I had to choke back the tears, as I’m doing just now.

So the countdown was on to lunchtime and every time I thought about telling her I got butterflies. I did think about doing the digital test at her house but was absolutely bursting my 11.55am that I relented and did the test in the toilet at work.

I wasn’t alone in there and when that display came up “Pregnant” I had to scream with my mouth shut! The other patron no doubt thought I had constipation or something as the squeeks escaped my closed mouth!!! :o)

Needless to say when I saw my sister there were lots of hugs and screams and it was brilliant! We frightened my nephew with all our screaming though, poor wee scone.

My Dad came in to my sisters about 20 mins later and we had to compose ourselves and talk about other things as I wanted to tell him and my Mum together later that day.

I went back to work and did very little if truth be told ;o)

I finished early and saw DH, there were no great hugs and squeeks this time, he’s just not like that but one of the things I knew he’d say is that he believed the docs in EFREC fleeced us! I told him that it didn’t matter to me, it was the right thing to do at the time, I couldn’t have not tried it.

We worked out that the price of me getting pregnant only cost £1.33 (3 month prescription costing £4 and we only needed to use one months worth).

It is a whole lot different from £4,000 but still it’s all been part of our journey and it will no doubt help me become a good Mum, I’ll treasure the gift that so many take for granted.

We went and told my F-I-L next, M-I-L wasn’t there as she was visiting my S-I-L. My what a lot of acronyms for one sentence!

My S-I-L told me that I was pregnant as soon as I walked in to her living room. She’d seen me hoovering last week and had told DH’s Mum that I was pregnant! I didn’t even know I was pregnant then… she must have some kind of psychic ability!!

We then bumped in to DH’s daughter (23 years old) but we didn’t tell her. She’d be really really happy for us I know but she’s not very good at keeping secrets and even told us that she’d almost told a man that day about his surprise birthday party that was being planned for him! We’re going to wait until after the scan on the 23rd. It’s only 17 days away so we just need to be really careful that none of us lets it slip.

Then it was down to see my parents, everytime I thought about telling my Mum I got butterflies. I was really looking forward to telling her. We usually email each other every day but she’d not emailed me, thankfully as it’d have been hard to keep it to myself and I knew that I didn’t want her to find out that way.

My sister and nephew came with us. I just walked up to my Mum and gave her the digital test and said “here’s a belated birthday present”! She took it from me and although she didn’t have her specs on she knew what it was positive! You know how when you have confirmation of your OV day you count forward to when you can test, well I knew that I could test on my Mum’s birthday and I dreamed of telling her when we all met for dinner that night. Unfortunately the test I did that day was negative so I never mentioned it!

After the shock hit her she jumped up and we hugged and kissed and cried and screamed and it was great!!!! :o)

I never slept that night, my DH fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow so there no congratulatory BD or talks of the future. I however downloaded various pregnancy Apps for my iPhone until 1am then I eventually fell asleep. I then woke at 4.55am wide awake and starving! I had to get up and have something, a block of cheese was the easiest thing so that’s what I had and I never fell back asleep. My head was just full of lots and lots of pregnancy thoughts and it was great!

Unfortunately the battery in the digital test packed in and I can’t see that “Pregnant” result when I need the reassurance that I am really and truly pregnant anymore. Fear not though as I’ve ordered a 2 pack from Access Diagnostics, they only cost £8.40 and that is for 2 of those tests that not only tell you you are pregnant but how far along you are. Was hoping they’d have been here this morning but they’ve not arrived so I took another internet cheapy one and that second line is quite a bit darker than the first test I did. For a split second I felt the dread of the test being negative but luckily it never happened. The second line actually appeared as the dye worked it’s way up the stick!! :o)

I’ve already bought “I’m Pregnant” magazine and will buy a pregnancy book next week when I’m at work, I’ll nip out at lunch time and hope no one I know sees me hovvering about the Pregnancy section! I’m willing to risk it!!





I’m Pregnant!

5 03 2010

I honestly can’t believe I’ve just typed that, I don’t believe it!!

I keep thinking it must be happening to someone else, then I remind myself that it’s really happening… to ME… after 30 months… it’s actually my turn!!!

I got up yesterday morning as normal, fully expecting my period to have arrived through the night because I felt “wet” but it was no where to be seen. So I went about my normal morning routine, had my shower and left the bathroom with a handful of super size tampons to stock my handbag for the day. 

After I got dressed and was about to head out the house I phoned the nurse at the fertility clinic to tell her my period hadn’t arrived so far but would be there any minute. She asked me if I’d done another test, I told her no that the last one I’d taken was on Friday when I was 16 DPO and it was negative and I wasn’t doing any more because my period was just about to start.

She asked me to go and do another test and call her back. She said if it was negative she’d get me in and do a scan to see what was happening as she couldn’t understand why I’d not had a period or a positive test result. So I hung up feeling quite annoyed and almost phoned her back to tell her I’d done a test and it was negative without even doing one! I just thought it was a farce, my period was about to start and she was asking me to endure yet another slap in the face with a  BFN, I really wasn’t in the mood.

I decided against lying to a medical professional and relented and went to the bathroom to take another test. :o)

I was struggling to pee as I’d not long been but managed to squeeze out enough to dip in my internet cheapy! I actually threw the test in the tub and the pee went over the “max” line but I wasn’t caring, I thought it a pointless excercise.

After the required time I removed it from the pot (I say pot but it’s actually the lid from a can of hairspray) and threw the remainder of the pee down the loo.

Well you can imagine my surprise when I looked back around and saw 2 lines.

Positive internet cheapy!

I’d never ever seen that before and there was a slight delay as it registered. Once it did register I burst in to tears saying things like “Oh no, Oh no, Oh shit Oh shit, Oh my god Oh my god” repeatedly! I was in the house myself and I’m sure I might have handled it differently if DH had been there!

My first thoughts were that it hadn’t happened perfectly, I mean that I’d had nearly a bottle of wine only 6 days before and I’d been quite lax about taking my Pregnacare tablet as I thought my period was coming. I felt so guilty about both these things hence the “Oh no’s”!

If I hadn’t thrown my pee down the loo you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d have taken every test I had right there and then (which was 6 in total).

So after I’d managed to stop the tears I hesitantly called the nurse back. When I told her I’d just gotten a positive result she said “see I told you you could do it”! I told her that it really was quite a shock and she guessed that I’d only agreed to do the test to keep her happy :o)

She asked if it was a Clearblue test and I admitted that no it wasn’t, it was a cheap one I’d got from the internet. She said it didn’t matter but asked if it was only a faint positive. I said no, as I’m sure you can tell too, the second line isn’t as dark as the control line but it’s definitely there.

I asked about the really bad pains I’d been getting and she said unfortunately some women do have that. She said if they get more severe or if I bleed I’ve to call her straight away and she’ll get me in to do a scan.

However, since getting that positive result the pains haven’t been as bad. Don’t get me wrong they still come and go but they aren’t as frequent and are not as sore! I truly believe that because I was convinced my period was coming my body was reacting to that. And now that I am, dare I say it again…pregnant, my brain has switched gears and I even felt queasy this morning and I’ve been so hungry since supper time last night!! Now I didn’t feel like that 48 hours ago when I was pregnant and didn’t know about it!! The power of the mind :o)

Back to my story…

The nurse has booked me in for an internal scan on Tuesday 23 March when I’ll be 8 weeks, I’m shaking my head as I type this, this is usually something I’d say about someone else. So when I’m 8 weeks pregnant they should be able to see the heartbeat.. how cool is that!! :o)

I’m going to be someone’s Mum…eeeek!!!!

Bring it on I say, the time is right! :o)

Part 2 to follow soon ….





21 DPO and still no AF!

3 03 2010

I’m so confused and fed up, I’m starting to feel really weepy and keep dreaming of pregnant people!

I don’t believe for a single second that I’m pregnant, the pains and cramps are too intense. If I were pregnant I’d be absolutely worried sick and wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t know if this is my way of dismissing the chance of pregnancy as I think the pregnancy wouldn’t last… I just don’t know, my head is mince!!

The image above is from the Pregnancy Monitor on my Fertility Friend chart, the summary “You are past your usual luteal phase. You may take a test, you may be pregnant!” is somehow offensive to me, probably only because I know I’m not pregnant. Maybe any other month I might still be very hopeful and glad of that little piece of wisdom!

I called the hospital on Monday for the results of my 7 DPO blood test and the nurse said it looked really good and confirmed I did ovulate (which wasn’t such a surprise). I told her my period still hadn’t arrived and that all 3 pregnancy tests I’d taken were negative. I’ve to call back tomorrow if I’ve still not got my period by then. Unfortunately I don’t know what she’ll suggest, just have to wait and see I suppose. I’m kinda thinking they may do a blood test to confirm BFN and then hope they will give me something to bring on AF.

I received a lovely comment from Jan in Australia this morning. You may remember her daughter had a bad reaction to the drugs in her first IVF cycle, you can read it again here “IVF risks“.

Jan did say that it’s difficult for her to watch her daughter go through this and it got me thinking about my own loved ones, namely my sister and my Mum.

I suppose I’ve not really considered how difficult it must be for loved ones to stand by helplessly and watch my journey to motherhood. I know I’d be devastated if it was my sister who had to go through what I’m going through and I’m glad it’s me and not her.

Is it best to tell them everything or not? I don’t know, I suppose I’ll need to ask them but I feel by telling them everything they aren’t worrying about things that don’t exist. I suppose you could say they are worrying about the things that are happening and I feel this is the position I’d rather be in if I were on the other side of this infertility fence.

I know this is the hormones talking and as I sit typing this I’m blinking back the tears (if the boss sees me he’ll no doubt think I’ve lost the plot) but I’d like to apologise to my loved ones, I’m sorry I’ve put them through this, I wish this was one journey we didn’t need to embark on but I’m so glad they are right there with me x





I did okay…

4 02 2010

Sadly my BIL’s mother died a week ago and her funeral was a few days ago. You may remember me getting a call about her on the day I had my ER.

As my nephew won’t stay with anyone apart from his Mum (my sister) at the moment, I looked after him whilst the rest of the family went to the funeral service (in the hope he’d not get too upset). After the service there was a gathering for tea/sandwiches and I took my nephew along, it really helped my BIL I think.

However my pregnant cousin whom I wrote about at Christmas time (Is she?) was there and it was the first time since she’d told everyone she was pregnant that I’ve seen her.

After a while she came over to me and we talked about her pregnancy, she didn’t push it in my face in any way. It was other people around us who were asking her questions and slowly I was able to ask a few of my own, ie any morning sickness, cravings etc. And I was okay! I thought I’d burst into tears as soon as I saw her but I didn’t. I did have a lump in my throat but managed to ged rid of it with coffee and cake :o)

Then I saw her again last night, at her house. She took me to the side and said how unfair it was that she got pregnant after only 3 months. She told me she’d not really even had a proper period since stopping BCP’s and had no idea where her cycle was to even try and take OPK’s a pregnant friend had given her. To her surprise when her period didn’t come the 3rd month she did a HPT, again supplied by her friend, and it was positive.

I told her that I am so glad she didn’t have to go through any of the stuff I’ve been through and I truly mean it. IF is def something you’d not wish on anyone (well there might be one person but that’s another story!!).

To be honest I’m still in shock about her news… still after all these weeks, still after seeing her scan photo’s etc. I just can’t believe she’s pregnant, maybe when her bump starts to show reality will hit me. I can’t imagine her or her DH with a baby, their baby. Or my aunty and uncle with their very first grandchild, why???

Why is her pregnancy taking so long to sink in to my brain??

My Mum thinks it’s because we are so close… I’ll explain:

  • My Mum and my cousin’s Mum are sisters
  • My Dad and my cousin’s Dad are brothers
  • So 2 sisters married 2 brothers.

So I suppose she is like my sister but I can’t imagine I’d feel like this if my sister got pregnant again. I actually keep wondering when her and my BIL will plan their next kid, not with dread but with excitement… I am starting to get worried that I may need psychiatric help!! :o)

And in other news… I def feel like OV is imminent! I’ve got OV pains, my cerix is HOS and I’ve got fertile CM. I’ve got my scan appt tomorrow morning to see how my follies are doing and I’m even thinking about telling DH that I’ve been told we must have sex everday, without fail, for 7 days! I’m sure I’ll not be told this but I want to cover all bases.

Sometimes, no let me change that to all the time, I feel like the responsibility of timing sex and getting me pregnant is MY responsibility, just mine’s. DH doesn’t have a very high sex drive, although he’d say otherwise, but I wish he’d instigate things in that department more often in an attempt to get me pregnant. He’s told friends that he’s desperate to be a Dad again but I don’t feel like he’s putting in any of the leg work!!! He doesn’t ask if I’m OV, he never asks when AF is due, never asks anything about my cycle or our attempts to get pregnant, nothing! I feel quite jealous when I read other blogs and see other DH’s embarking on the journey with their wives/partners, when it does look like they are on a joint endeavour to have a baby!

However, I do love DH and know he’ll be a great Dad to any children we may have but I can feel a “talk” coming on!!!

Any and all suggestions on how to get him onboard are very welcome.