I’m Pregnant!

5 03 2010

I honestly can’t believe I’ve just typed that, I don’t believe it!!

I keep thinking it must be happening to someone else, then I remind myself that it’s really happening… to ME… after 30 months… it’s actually my turn!!!

I got up yesterday morning as normal, fully expecting my period to have arrived through the night because I felt “wet” but it was no where to be seen. So I went about my normal morning routine, had my shower and left the bathroom with a handful of super size tampons to stock my handbag for the day. 

After I got dressed and was about to head out the house I phoned the nurse at the fertility clinic to tell her my period hadn’t arrived so far but would be there any minute. She asked me if I’d done another test, I told her no that the last one I’d taken was on Friday when I was 16 DPO and it was negative and I wasn’t doing any more because my period was just about to start.

She asked me to go and do another test and call her back. She said if it was negative she’d get me in and do a scan to see what was happening as she couldn’t understand why I’d not had a period or a positive test result. So I hung up feeling quite annoyed and almost phoned her back to tell her I’d done a test and it was negative without even doing one! I just thought it was a farce, my period was about to start and she was asking me to endure yet another slap in the face with a  BFN, I really wasn’t in the mood.

I decided against lying to a medical professional and relented and went to the bathroom to take another test. :o)

I was struggling to pee as I’d not long been but managed to squeeze out enough to dip in my internet cheapy! I actually threw the test in the tub and the pee went over the “max” line but I wasn’t caring, I thought it a pointless excercise.

After the required time I removed it from the pot (I say pot but it’s actually the lid from a can of hairspray) and threw the remainder of the pee down the loo.

Well you can imagine my surprise when I looked back around and saw 2 lines.

Positive internet cheapy!

I’d never ever seen that before and there was a slight delay as it registered. Once it did register I burst in to tears saying things like “Oh no, Oh no, Oh shit Oh shit, Oh my god Oh my god” repeatedly! I was in the house myself and I’m sure I might have handled it differently if DH had been there!

My first thoughts were that it hadn’t happened perfectly, I mean that I’d had nearly a bottle of wine only 6 days before and I’d been quite lax about taking my Pregnacare tablet as I thought my period was coming. I felt so guilty about both these things hence the “Oh no’s”!

If I hadn’t thrown my pee down the loo you can bet your bottom dollar that I’d have taken every test I had right there and then (which was 6 in total).

So after I’d managed to stop the tears I hesitantly called the nurse back. When I told her I’d just gotten a positive result she said “see I told you you could do it”! I told her that it really was quite a shock and she guessed that I’d only agreed to do the test to keep her happy :o)

She asked if it was a Clearblue test and I admitted that no it wasn’t, it was a cheap one I’d got from the internet. She said it didn’t matter but asked if it was only a faint positive. I said no, as I’m sure you can tell too, the second line isn’t as dark as the control line but it’s definitely there.

I asked about the really bad pains I’d been getting and she said unfortunately some women do have that. She said if they get more severe or if I bleed I’ve to call her straight away and she’ll get me in to do a scan.

However, since getting that positive result the pains haven’t been as bad. Don’t get me wrong they still come and go but they aren’t as frequent and are not as sore! I truly believe that because I was convinced my period was coming my body was reacting to that. And now that I am, dare I say it again…pregnant, my brain has switched gears and I even felt queasy this morning and I’ve been so hungry since supper time last night!! Now I didn’t feel like that 48 hours ago when I was pregnant and didn’t know about it!! The power of the mind :o)

Back to my story…

The nurse has booked me in for an internal scan on Tuesday 23 March when I’ll be 8 weeks, I’m shaking my head as I type this, this is usually something I’d say about someone else. So when I’m 8 weeks pregnant they should be able to see the heartbeat.. how cool is that!! :o)

I’m going to be someone’s Mum…eeeek!!!!

Bring it on I say, the time is right! :o)

Part 2 to follow soon ….


21 DPO and still no AF!

3 03 2010

I’m so confused and fed up, I’m starting to feel really weepy and keep dreaming of pregnant people!

I don’t believe for a single second that I’m pregnant, the pains and cramps are too intense. If I were pregnant I’d be absolutely worried sick and wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t know if this is my way of dismissing the chance of pregnancy as I think the pregnancy wouldn’t last… I just don’t know, my head is mince!!

The image above is from the Pregnancy Monitor on my Fertility Friend chart, the summary “You are past your usual luteal phase. You may take a test, you may be pregnant!” is somehow offensive to me, probably only because I know I’m not pregnant. Maybe any other month I might still be very hopeful and glad of that little piece of wisdom!

I called the hospital on Monday for the results of my 7 DPO blood test and the nurse said it looked really good and confirmed I did ovulate (which wasn’t such a surprise). I told her my period still hadn’t arrived and that all 3 pregnancy tests I’d taken were negative. I’ve to call back tomorrow if I’ve still not got my period by then. Unfortunately I don’t know what she’ll suggest, just have to wait and see I suppose. I’m kinda thinking they may do a blood test to confirm BFN and then hope they will give me something to bring on AF.

I received a lovely comment from Jan in Australia this morning. You may remember her daughter had a bad reaction to the drugs in her first IVF cycle, you can read it again here “IVF risks“.

Jan did say that it’s difficult for her to watch her daughter go through this and it got me thinking about my own loved ones, namely my sister and my Mum.

I suppose I’ve not really considered how difficult it must be for loved ones to stand by helplessly and watch my journey to motherhood. I know I’d be devastated if it was my sister who had to go through what I’m going through and I’m glad it’s me and not her.

Is it best to tell them everything or not? I don’t know, I suppose I’ll need to ask them but I feel by telling them everything they aren’t worrying about things that don’t exist. I suppose you could say they are worrying about the things that are happening and I feel this is the position I’d rather be in if I were on the other side of this infertility fence.

I know this is the hormones talking and as I sit typing this I’m blinking back the tears (if the boss sees me he’ll no doubt think I’ve lost the plot) but I’d like to apologise to my loved ones, I’m sorry I’ve put them through this, I wish this was one journey we didn’t need to embark on but I’m so glad they are right there with me x

Aunt Flo has gotten lost!

26 02 2010

It’s CD 32 and 16 DPO and she still hasn’t appeared. It’s like she’s came to vist but hasn’t made any mess!! My stomach is killing me and I just wish she’d come now.

I’m even sighing when I go to the loo and my period hasn’t arrived… my how things have changed in a week!

So it looks like Clomid has extended my cycle but I can tell it’s going to be a hellish one when it does arrive.

So I’ve decided I’m going to have a few glasses of wine tonight but I have saved some FMU to do a HPT with before I have my first sip, just to be on the safe side :o) but like a fellow IVF friend told me… you just know your own body when you’ve had it under a microscope for so long!!

Yesterday was Test Day!

23 02 2010

According to Fertility Friend, yesterday was test day as I was 12 DPO. I usually get a visit from AF around 11 DPO but she hasn’t came to visit yet. But it’s not for the lack of trying on her part, I’m getting the same old telltale “pulling” pains.

So I did the test anyway and no surprise:    it was a BFN!

It looks like the Clomid might actually lengthen my luteal phase if nothing else.

I still haven’t ordered more OPK’s for next month, I’m going to wait until it’s definitely, without a doubt, over this month… yip I’m clinging on to that little bit of hope by my fingernails!

I have some hope only because I’ve got the cold and with that a cold sore (which I haven’t had for about 10 years).

My friend told me when she fell pregnant she went to the doc with a bad cold and instead of recommending the usual bed rest, cough medicine etc. she was asked to do a pregnancy test. To her shock it came back positive and her period wasn’t even late by this point!

And yes I have searched FF for all the charts that have BFN’s before BFP’s. Even found one girl on the net who’s pregnancy test didn’t appear positive until she was 18 DPO.

Hope does live here…but only for the briefest of moments!

What a week…

25 11 2009

So I’ve got my good underwear on again… it’s time to see Pascal the Acupuncturist tonight!! I must say I feel like I need to see him, it’s been a long week and I’m looking forward to relaxing and chilling out for a bit!

My boss’ daughter had a wee boy the other day and I was invited to look at the photo’s etc. My boss when telling me how chuffed he is said “I can’t describe it, you’ll not know what it feels like until it happens to you”. My eyes were stinging with tears trying to break out and my throat felt like it’d been clamped shut. I got a dull stabbing pain in my chest and could only nod at him in agreement. I really could have screamed “No shit Einstein! You know I’m trying to experience that for myself, why oh f*cking why would you say such a thing to me you insensitive twat”!

Needles to say I wasn’t in too great a mood after that, coupled with the fact that AF is imminent and I’ve got PMS from hell!

You know I get so angry with myself month after month. I mean how could I have been so stupid yet again to think that maybe this month I will be pregnant and AF won’t show. Why oh why do I constantly ride this rollercoaster and believe “this” month it’ll happen?? You’d think by now I’d have learned my lesson but oh no I keep coming back for more!

I’m going to make that appointment with my GP for next week and see if she can help refer me for further tests re my luteal phase. I’m 9 DPO today and think my period will either come today or tomorrow morning so my LP isn’t long at all. If she even tries to fob me off I may committ murder… I’m a donkey on the edge!!! ;o)

I dare to dream!

24 10 2009

Although I’ve taken 3 HPT’s since last Saturday (ET day) and they’ve all been negative, I still have moments when I believe IVF has worked!

Of course these moments are usually followed quite quickly with “don’t be f*cking stupid!!!”

What can I say… it’s like being a schizophrenic! With one good, hopefull, optomistic person who shares my brain with another person who is realistic, pessimistic and blunt!

But I have been having moments where I’ve thought… on Wednesday (test day) what will we do first when we’re told I’m pregnant? Who will we phone first? Will we go out and celebrate? And I’ll definitely take that digital HPT that I’ve been saving to use when I’ll know I’ll definitely get “pregnant” appearing in the window (this one I’m planning to keep until my dying day).

I haven’t had any pregnancy symptoms!! In fact I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms all those months when I was most definitely not pregnant.

My boobs have been sore since the hCG shot so I can’t use this as an indication. The only thing is I’ve not had those really sore AF cramps yet but then I’m thinking it’s probably the progesterone that’s keeping them away until a later date, ie not the usual DPO day (I’ll need to check this with Dr Google mind you!).

I’ve had a strange day today… I POAS first thing this morning and off course it was negative. I really didn’t expect it to have that much effect on me but I was quite teary and I did feel like I was in that dark moody place I usually go to when AF is on the cards. I felt much better when we met up with my S-I-L and niece and for the rest of the day I’ve not felt too teary.

But tonight I started to feel sick, I feel like I’m about to get the flu… the tops of my arms and the top of my back is aching, I’ve got earache and a dull headache. It feels a bit like a hangover… although no alcohol has crossed my lips in months!

And of course the almost hourly toilet visits are providing some hope, that and the fact that every TP check is “clear”! :o) Has anyone else became obsessed with checking toilet paper after every single toilet visit? I swear this was never something I ever did before TTC!!

Something I’ve noticed for a few days now, there’s a strange feeling at the back of my throat. Like a horrible taste or feeling, like you get when you are about to go under with anaesthetic?? Don’t know if this is even remotely related but it’s been someting I’ve noticed!

My S-I-L was asking me if I was getting really excited about Wednesday and the truth is I’m not. I’m scared of the “knowing”. Just now there is a chance that I may be pregnant, there is also the chance that I may not be. But come Wednesday if the result is negative I’ll know for definite and there won’t be any room for hope, for that “I might be pregnant” hope that I have at the moment. Of course the thought that they will tell me I am pregnant is something I don’t think about too often. So at the moment I’m not looking forward to Wednesday, yesterday I was!!

And I am still analysing the hell out of my FF chart! :o)

According to FF I am 10 DPO and it suggests I take a test on Monday, when I’ll be 12 DPO. I must admit that I studied the chart gallery for women who have been through IVF and only those who got a BFP. I also checked those who had BFN’s before they had a BFP. It looks like those women who tested early never got a positive result until they were 12 DPO… this gives me hope for Monday!! I also found one woman who tested every day for 10 or so days and only got BFN’s but she got a BFP when she had a beta test!!! This also gives me hope for Wednesday (only if AF does not appear before then).

FF has given me a due date of 07 July 2010 if I am pregnant!! :o) I’m also wondering if the clinic will give me a due date if my result turns out to be positive?? And I’m wondering what date they’ll give me. I have a sneaky feeling I’ll only get told positive or negative and won’t get a number (hCG quantity?) like IVF’ers in America get but I might ask anyway… surely they’ve had neurotic, research hungry, experienced blog surfers ask for this before!!! :o)

I’m away to bed to try and dream positive happy thoughts and think myself lucky for another AF free day :o)

Side effects?

28 09 2009

I had a hellish day yesterday and I am going to blame the drugs!! :o)

DH and I went shopping for some things we need since we’ve started redecorating our house. To cut a long story short, DH shouted at me for being “short” with him. I didn’t even realise I’d done it but apparently I did!!

A full blown argument ensued…mostly him shouting at me but I couldn’t stop crying and even today I feel very teary. I also feel very down, like a cloud is over me.

In the midst of the argument the thought “lets just not do IVF” popped in to my head. Luckily I never said it out loud and it quickly passed. Of course I want to continue with IVF but at that moment I felt overwhelmed…I don’t know why because I was sure I was feeling superb about it all (was I kidding myself??).

I also started thinking about DH and whether he’ll be much support through all this. He didn’t come to my last appt at the clinic and isn’t coming to the next one on Thursday 01 October, as he said “he’s not needed”. He’s maybe not needed to give a sample but I’m now starting to think I may need him to come and support ME!!

Even last week I said I didn’t need anyone to go with me because it’s only going to be an U/S scan.  But now I’m thinking if they tell me my OV’s aren’t quiet and I can’t start the stims yet I think I may break down…I don’t know, I just feel really emotional today. I might feel fine on Thursday morning (fingers crossed).

The fact that I’m even thinking I may need support is hard to bear, it’s just not me, I do things by myself and have always believed I’m an emotionally strong person. Is Buserelin turning me into a different person??

It also looks like AF has arrived for real, hopefully some of the AF symptoms will subside but I’m wondering if the Buserelin is the real cause of all this?!?

What can I do except continue… 4 injections down, however many left to do!

I’ve also just asked Dr Google about Buserelin and Lupron and it appears they are one and the same. I’ve read other blogs and do know others have had the same syptoms on Lupron so that’s it… it’s definitely the drugs!! :o)