This may sound horrible but I’m glad Christmas is over!
Luckily I never met either of my pregnant cousins over the past couple of days, I was dreading it!
My family usually go to my Aunt and Uncle’s every Christmas night for a few drinks and my cousin D and her husband are always there and this year was no different. I was dreading my aunt phoning and asking us to go to her house but luckily she never. I wouldn’t have been able to go and for that I’m pretty peeved at myself. I thought I was coping well with friends and relatives getting pregnant and having their babies but I wonder if I’m struggling because IVF didn’t work?? I think it’s only now that it’s hitting me exactly what I’ve been through and what I’ve “lost”.
I know I’ve not really lost anything, I wasn’t even pregnant, but at one point my DH and I had an embryo, a potential baby that would have meant so much to us.
I used to think all I needed to do for a guaranteed pregnancy was to go through IVF. The realisation that I’d done IVF and it hadn’t worked hit me just a couple of weeks ago. I was driving to work and the realisation that my “safety card”, my guarantee hadn’t worked hit me like a ten tonne truck. I felt sheer panic!! And the repeated thought “what am I going to do now?” never left me that day.
The IVF consultant and friends have said that it was only our first time and there’s no reason why it can’t work the next time but at the moment I can’t help thinking the exact same thing will happen again, that I won’t be able to keep our embryo alive. I feel like my body is failing us and have even been thinking I might need to consider using donor eggs. But with that comes the thought that if it does work and I do have a baby that it won’t have any characteristics of me or my family. I love when my Mum says that my nephew plays with his food just like I did! Really stupid but it makes me feel happy when we see small things like that! I feel sad to think I won’t get a chance to see that for myself in my own child.
Just one more day to go… New Years Day!
We have been invited to my cousins house at the New Year and normally I love it but I just can’t go this year. Now I’m worrying about what excuse I can use for not going. I know I can tell my sister exactly why I don’t want to go but I don’t want to tell my Mum or DH. I don’t want them to know I’ve reached that stage of IF where I can’t be around pregnant people. How stupid/naive was I to think it wouldn’t happen to me!!
I recently read an IF story that struck a cord:
“Such a daft thing, but it’s just another reminder that whilst the world moves on, we’re stuck on the periphery, noses pressed to glass, voyeurs in a family-orientated world where we don’t belong and can’t take part.” The full story can be read here: http://infertilitynetworkuk.com/uploadedFiles/Understanding/INUK%20Rachel.pdf
Sorry for the somber post and I do hope that many of you received the greatest Christmas present ever… a BFP!! :o)
And for the rest of us, here’s hoping 2010 will be the year when we can take part too x