One down, one to go!

28 12 2009

This may sound horrible but I’m glad Christmas is over!

Luckily I never met either of my pregnant cousins over the past couple of days, I was dreading it!

My family usually go to my Aunt and Uncle’s every Christmas night for a few drinks and my cousin D and her husband are always there and this year was no different. I was dreading my aunt phoning and asking us to go to her house but luckily she never. I wouldn’t have been able to go and for that I’m pretty peeved at myself. I thought I was coping well with friends and relatives getting pregnant and having their babies but I wonder if I’m struggling because IVF didn’t work?? I think it’s only now that it’s hitting me exactly what I’ve been through and what I’ve “lost”.

I know I’ve not really lost anything, I wasn’t even pregnant, but at one point my DH and I had an embryo, a potential baby that would have meant so much to us.

I used to think all I needed to do for a guaranteed pregnancy was to go through IVF. The realisation that I’d done IVF and it hadn’t worked hit me just a couple of weeks ago. I was driving to work and the realisation that my “safety card”, my guarantee hadn’t worked hit me like a ten tonne truck. I felt sheer panic!! And the repeated thought “what am I going to do now?”  never left me that day.

The IVF consultant and friends have said that it was only our first time and there’s no reason why it can’t work the next time but at the moment I can’t help thinking the exact same thing will happen again, that I won’t be able to keep our embryo alive. I feel like my body is failing us and have even been thinking I might need to consider using donor eggs. But with that comes the thought that if it does work and I do have a baby that it won’t have any characteristics of me or my family. I love when my Mum says that my nephew plays with his food just like I did! Really stupid but it makes me feel happy when we see small things like that! I feel sad to think I won’t get a chance to see that for myself in my own child.

Just one more day to go… New Years Day!

We have been invited to my cousins house at the New Year and normally I love it but I just can’t go this year. Now I’m worrying about what excuse I can use for not going. I know I can tell my sister exactly why I don’t want to go but I don’t want to tell my Mum or DH. I don’t want them to know I’ve reached that stage of IF where I can’t be around pregnant people. How stupid/naive was I to think it wouldn’t happen to me!!

I recently read an IF story that struck a cord:

“Such a daft thing, but it’s just another reminder that whilst the world moves on, we’re stuck on the periphery, noses pressed to glass, voyeurs in a family-orientated world where we don’t belong and can’t take part.”  The full story can be read here:

Sorry for the somber post and I do hope that many of you received the greatest Christmas present ever… a BFP!! :o)

And for the rest of us, here’s hoping 2010 will be the year when we can take part too x


She is!!

20 12 2009

My cousin who I thought was pregnant is pregnant!!

My aunt, her mother, when drunk last night admitted she was going to be a Granny!

I feel so devasted and can’t stop crying. I don’t know why, I would never wish her happy news away. Of course I want her to have what I want and have wanted for what seems like an eternity!

Am I turning in to one of those women who break down everytime she hears someone is pregnant? I don’t want to, I want to control this but at the same time I feel so fed up that I have to control my feelings all the time. Sometimes I do feel like crying so hard and letting it all out and not care who sees me. When I have been crying I do it in private, I wait til DH is asleep or I go away to the toilet. I don’t want people, DH included, to think I’m a weak, neurotic, obsessed woman. The truth is… I AM!

I’m feeling sorry for myself…

Is she?

19 12 2009

I went to see my wee cousin D who’s a beautician this morning to have some bits and bobs done for our Christmas night out tonight.

When she told me she wouldn’t be drinking I instantly thought she must be pregnant and that thought hasn’t left my mind all day, it’s all I can think about!!

She’s married, got her own business, is very settled and one of my closest relatives. I would be so happy for her if she was because she has mentioned to me in the past that she wants a family but I can’t help feeling sad. I feel really low and struggling to get back the excitement I’ve felt for weeks about our night out tonight.

Why am I torturing myself? I mean she might not be drinking because she wants to stick to her diet?? Why would she lie…

…she probably doesn’t want to tell me because she knows what I’ve been through/going through!!

I’m screaming and throwing a tantrum in my head right now and poor DH sits opposite me totally oblivious to how I feel. Surely I can’t tell him, what is there to tell him? That my cousin isn’t drinking tonight because she wants to stick to her diet… I really honestly feel crazy :-s

I did find out a couple of days ago that another cousin IS pregnant. She’s only 21 ( if she is that), lives with her boyfriend’s mother, isn’t working, is very overweight, parties hard ie drink and drugs and she’s due in August!!

Is there any justice??


6 12 2009

It feels like ages since I last updated, my apologies. I even feel like I’ve done myself no favours in getting those recurring thoughts “down on paper”.

Lots of things have been happening!!

I went to see my GP last Monday (30 Nov) to ask if I she could refer me to get further tests done following the unsuccessful IVF and unexplained infertility. Of all the GP’s in our practice I chose the only GP with DRCOG after her name. Apparently it means she’s got some “Obstetrics and Gynaecology” qualification so I thought she’d be able to answer lots of my questions… but of course I was wrong!

I told her that I’ve been charting my cycle for 24 months and it looks like my Luteal Phase is on the short side. She said that it wasn’t her area of expertise!! I asked if she could refer me to someone who would know and be able to do further tests and even said I’d be willing to pay for any tests. She said as I wasn’t at the top of the NHS list (forgot to mention I’m not eligible to even be on the list until July 2010) that she’ll see what tests we could get done on the NHS. She is going to write to the sub-fertility clinic I first went to and ask them if they’ll do more tests and if they’ll not entertain me, she’s going to write to the clinic where I got my IVF. To be honest I don’t even know what tests she’s going to ask them to do.

She told me that the Consultant at the RIE who gave me the post IVF consult had written to her and said he’d be willing to do a laparoscopy only if I experienced mid-cycle bleeding. I told the GP that this guy had said that he might get the incision in the wrong place, she said this is extremely unlikely as it doesn’t matter if there is endometriosis on the right or left ovary as they go in in the centre and are still able to see both ovaries! Who knows but this guy is meant to be the expert!!

So it’s back to a waiting game to see if someone will do some more tests. I just want as much as possible investigated before I embark on another IVF cycle. A girl I know has had 2 failed IVF attempts and now that she’s considering her 3rd the clinic offered to test the fluid in her fallopian tubes. Apparently if this fluid is toxic it can harm an embryo in the uterus. Why do they wait until you have been through the emotional and financial trauma of a failed cycle before doing these tests, why not do everything possible before the IVF to give women the best possible chance of the IVF working? Luckily her test results have came back clear.

Her clinic (Dundee) have also told her about a blood test they can do which will give an indication of which eggs to use for fertilisation. This has never been mentioned to me. She was told that Glasgow are the only clinic offering it just now but Dundee hope to be able to do it in the near future. I’m sure she said it was only a couple of hundred pounds extra. There is another test they can do on eggs but I’m sure this is a couple of thousand pounds (I read it in a newspaper a few months ago). Again, this hasn’t been offered either!

I’ve got more to post but need to go, family day out in Edinburgh to see the Christmas lights and German market! :o)