I dare to dream!

24 10 2009

Although I’ve taken 3 HPT’s since last Saturday (ET day) and they’ve all been negative, I still have moments when I believe IVF has worked!

Of course these moments are usually followed quite quickly with “don’t be f*cking stupid!!!”

What can I say… it’s like being a schizophrenic! With one good, hopefull, optomistic person who shares my brain with another person who is realistic, pessimistic and blunt!

But I have been having moments where I’ve thought… on Wednesday (test day) what will we do first when we’re told I’m pregnant? Who will we phone first? Will we go out and celebrate? And I’ll definitely take that digital HPT that I’ve been saving to use when I’ll know I’ll definitely get “pregnant” appearing in the window (this one I’m planning to keep until my dying day).

I haven’t had any pregnancy symptoms!! In fact I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms all those months when I was most definitely not pregnant.

My boobs have been sore since the hCG shot so I can’t use this as an indication. The only thing is I’ve not had those really sore AF cramps yet but then I’m thinking it’s probably the progesterone that’s keeping them away until a later date, ie not the usual DPO day (I’ll need to check this with Dr Google mind you!).

I’ve had a strange day today… I POAS first thing this morning and off course it was negative. I really didn’t expect it to have that much effect on me but I was quite teary and I did feel like I was in that dark moody place I usually go to when AF is on the cards. I felt much better when we met up with my S-I-L and niece and for the rest of the day I’ve not felt too teary.

But tonight I started to feel sick, I feel like I’m about to get the flu… the tops of my arms and the top of my back is aching, I’ve got earache and a dull headache. It feels a bit like a hangover… although no alcohol has crossed my lips in months!

And of course the almost hourly toilet visits are providing some hope, that and the fact that every TP check is “clear”! :o) Has anyone else became obsessed with checking toilet paper after every single toilet visit? I swear this was never something I ever did before TTC!!

Something I’ve noticed for a few days now, there’s a strange feeling at the back of my throat. Like a horrible taste or feeling, like you get when you are about to go under with anaesthetic?? Don’t know if this is even remotely related but it’s been someting I’ve noticed!

My S-I-L was asking me if I was getting really excited about Wednesday and the truth is I’m not. I’m scared of the “knowing”. Just now there is a chance that I may be pregnant, there is also the chance that I may not be. But come Wednesday if the result is negative I’ll know for definite and there won’t be any room for hope, for that “I might be pregnant” hope that I have at the moment. Of course the thought that they will tell me I am pregnant is something I don’t think about too often. So at the moment I’m not looking forward to Wednesday, yesterday I was!!

And I am still analysing the hell out of my FF chart! :o)

According to FF I am 10 DPO and it suggests I take a test on Monday, when I’ll be 12 DPO. I must admit that I studied the chart gallery for women who have been through IVF and only those who got a BFP. I also checked those who had BFN’s before they had a BFP. It looks like those women who tested early never got a positive result until they were 12 DPO… this gives me hope for Monday!! I also found one woman who tested every day for 10 or so days and only got BFN’s but she got a BFP when she had a beta test!!! This also gives me hope for Wednesday (only if AF does not appear before then).

FF has given me a due date of 07 July 2010 if I am pregnant!! :o) I’m also wondering if the clinic will give me a due date if my result turns out to be positive?? And I’m wondering what date they’ll give me. I have a sneaky feeling I’ll only get told positive or negative and won’t get a number (hCG quantity?) like IVF’ers in America get but I might ask anyway… surely they’ve had neurotic, research hungry, experienced blog surfers ask for this before!!! :o)

I’m away to bed to try and dream positive happy thoughts and think myself lucky for another AF free day :o)

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2 responses

25 10 2009
C

Very happy to have found your blog and wishing you a positive beta. Checking the toilet paper, completely normal ;)

All the best!

25 10 2009
burkey0906

Thanks very much, it’s good to know that :o)

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