What a week…

29 10 2009

It has been a strange one…

But first let me congratulate “A” on her BFP!! :o) We went through the IVF together, although unknown to each other at the time. It’s good to know that it does work and although I unfortunately fell on the wrong side of the stats this time (it’s got to be someone) I’m so pleased for her and her family. Like us all, she deserves it!!

That’s 3 IVF success stories I’ve heard in the past month or so, all 3 have been single ET’s too, which is good news!

Being at work on Monday was torture but at the same time it saved me from losing it big time! A friend at work met me in the toilets and I told her what had happened, I could hardly say “my period is here” because of the sobs! Not the best when anyone (including the Chief Exec) can walk in at any time.

She gave me the first part of good advice that day: “If it’s not worked, it’s for a reason, it just wasn’t meant to be!” It might sound harsh but she knows me and knows that’s my way of thinking too. I do believe that when I do fall pregnant it will be the right time, that when my kid is at primary school and meets his first set of friends it’s all been dependent upon me falling pregnant at the right time. (I’ve just read that back and realised I said “his”, maybe it’s a premonition!!).

But that’s been the hardest part… telling people and them cuddling me. That’s what makes me remember and have to deal with the emotions. When I’m not talking about it I function completely normally, I can deal with it in my mind. But I just had a text from a friend asking how the IVF was going, texting back that it didn’t work had me choking back the tears. To be honest I think I’m scared to let the flood gates open, I don’t want to be a total wreck.

My toilet friend suggested I call the clinic just to see what they would say, I wouldn’t normally phone but she convinced me to. When I told the girl at the clinic that my period had arrived she was very sympathetic but did say if it was brownish that wasn’t so bad but if it was bright red that would probably mean it hadn’t worked. About an hour later, you’ve guessed it… bright red blood!! The horrible thing (sorry that’ll be another horrible thing) about it was that it went right through and on to my trousers and I had to have been wearing the lightest pair of trousers I own!!!

I did think about going home but the thought of going home to an empty house had me pulling myself together and as I had a hairdressers appointment for lunchtime I thought  it would keep my mind occupied on other things for a bit. It did help and I’m sure I pulled of being “normal”!  All was going well until my hairdresser asked me if I could hear my biological clock ticking??? I have known him for over 15 years so we do know each other quite well but this is the first time he’s asked me that… and he had to ask me that on that day of all days!! However I replied that I did hear it every day, to which he replied… “well?” I replied “it’s not happening!”. Luckily that was the end of the subject as I asked more about his kids!

The second piece of good advice I got was from a woman at my Mums work. She’s been through 3 failed IVF attempts and is about to embark on her 4th. She said “I’m not going to patronise you, you know your own body!” And she was right, I just knew!!

Unfortunately I still had to go for my blood test at the clinic on Wednesday, something to do with the HFEA having to know the result of every cycle started. The nurse taking my blood asked me if I still wanted to call back for the results, when I said I would really rather not she was okay with that.

The only good thing about going to the clinic on Wednesday was that I met “A”. She’d contacted me through this site and we have been exchaning emails ever since. I was sitting with my back to the entrance of the waiting room when she called my name. I just knew it was her and I can’t believe the sense of relief I felt. It was like meeting up with a very old friend when I needed them the most, after not seeing them for years. I think it’s just that she knew how I was feeling, like no one else could because we’d been on the same journey together.

I am so glad Wednesday is over with and I think it was actually easier having my period arrive before test day. Because that would have been an extra 2 days full of hope and then to have been told the blood test was negative would have hit me like a sledge hammer.

So the next thing to do in my IVF journey is to meet up with the consultant to review my case. I’m not expecting him to be able to tell me exactly why it didn’t work but I have a few questions of my own, like “why did my period arrive bang on schedule when I’ve been taking progesterone, isn’t that meant to delay the onset of menses/extend the luteal phase?”.

I’m also a bit peeved that they never carried out any real infertility tests before offering me IVF, it was the first and only treatment they offered me. I’ve heard loads of bloggers say they’ve tried clomid/IUI’s etc but these were never offered to me.

I’ve always thought my luteal phase is on the short side, in this cycle it was only 11 days and I was taking progesterone for 9/10 of those days (I didn’t take it the morning after my period arrived). It ranges from 9-11 days most months but this was something that was never investigated. When I had my first appointment at the sub-fertility clinic I showed the nurse my charts but she dismissed them. And it feels like my opinions aren’t of much importance really, no one wants to know if you’re charting or have paid any attention to the details of your menstrual cycle.

I’m thinking that I don’t want to dive in to try IVF #2 just now because I think it will fail again. Not that I’m feeling pessimistic about it all, it’s just that I think it’s my luteal phase length that’s the problem and if that’s not fixed the embryo won’t implant the next time either.

So… I’ve been investigating Luteal Phase Defects (LPD) and I’ve started taking Vitamin B6, Raspberry Leaf and I’ve changed my folic acid tablets from a general conception/pregnancy one to one specifically for women trying to conceive.

It just feels good to be doing something…

I’ve got more to write but I’ve been hogging the laptop all night, DH’s getting impatient about his turn!!

Thanks for all the kind words of support, I’ll reply to you all when I’ve got more time x


Hope doesn’t live here anymore…

26 10 2009

My period started this morning, along with the same old agonising cramps!!

I’ve been a mess at work this morning but now that I’ve resigned myself to the fact the IVF #1 hasn’t worked for us, I’m starting to not be as emotional.

I’m starting to think of what I can do differently for the next time, because there will be a next time (I’ll need to confirm this with DH but I def want another chance at this).

Of course I’ll still need to go to the hospital on Wednesday for the blood test and then have to phone them back to find out the negative result… just wish I didn’t have to go now.

I dare to dream!

24 10 2009

Although I’ve taken 3 HPT’s since last Saturday (ET day) and they’ve all been negative, I still have moments when I believe IVF has worked!

Of course these moments are usually followed quite quickly with “don’t be f*cking stupid!!!”

What can I say… it’s like being a schizophrenic! With one good, hopefull, optomistic person who shares my brain with another person who is realistic, pessimistic and blunt!

But I have been having moments where I’ve thought… on Wednesday (test day) what will we do first when we’re told I’m pregnant? Who will we phone first? Will we go out and celebrate? And I’ll definitely take that digital HPT that I’ve been saving to use when I’ll know I’ll definitely get “pregnant” appearing in the window (this one I’m planning to keep until my dying day).

I haven’t had any pregnancy symptoms!! In fact I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms all those months when I was most definitely not pregnant.

My boobs have been sore since the hCG shot so I can’t use this as an indication. The only thing is I’ve not had those really sore AF cramps yet but then I’m thinking it’s probably the progesterone that’s keeping them away until a later date, ie not the usual DPO day (I’ll need to check this with Dr Google mind you!).

I’ve had a strange day today… I POAS first thing this morning and off course it was negative. I really didn’t expect it to have that much effect on me but I was quite teary and I did feel like I was in that dark moody place I usually go to when AF is on the cards. I felt much better when we met up with my S-I-L and niece and for the rest of the day I’ve not felt too teary.

But tonight I started to feel sick, I feel like I’m about to get the flu… the tops of my arms and the top of my back is aching, I’ve got earache and a dull headache. It feels a bit like a hangover… although no alcohol has crossed my lips in months!

And of course the almost hourly toilet visits are providing some hope, that and the fact that every TP check is “clear”! :o) Has anyone else became obsessed with checking toilet paper after every single toilet visit? I swear this was never something I ever did before TTC!!

Something I’ve noticed for a few days now, there’s a strange feeling at the back of my throat. Like a horrible taste or feeling, like you get when you are about to go under with anaesthetic?? Don’t know if this is even remotely related but it’s been someting I’ve noticed!

My S-I-L was asking me if I was getting really excited about Wednesday and the truth is I’m not. I’m scared of the “knowing”. Just now there is a chance that I may be pregnant, there is also the chance that I may not be. But come Wednesday if the result is negative I’ll know for definite and there won’t be any room for hope, for that “I might be pregnant” hope that I have at the moment. Of course the thought that they will tell me I am pregnant is something I don’t think about too often. So at the moment I’m not looking forward to Wednesday, yesterday I was!!

And I am still analysing the hell out of my FF chart! :o)

According to FF I am 10 DPO and it suggests I take a test on Monday, when I’ll be 12 DPO. I must admit that I studied the chart gallery for women who have been through IVF and only those who got a BFP. I also checked those who had BFN’s before they had a BFP. It looks like those women who tested early never got a positive result until they were 12 DPO… this gives me hope for Monday!! I also found one woman who tested every day for 10 or so days and only got BFN’s but she got a BFP when she had a beta test!!! This also gives me hope for Wednesday (only if AF does not appear before then).

FF has given me a due date of 07 July 2010 if I am pregnant!! :o) I’m also wondering if the clinic will give me a due date if my result turns out to be positive?? And I’m wondering what date they’ll give me. I have a sneaky feeling I’ll only get told positive or negative and won’t get a number (hCG quantity?) like IVF’ers in America get but I might ask anyway… surely they’ve had neurotic, research hungry, experienced blog surfers ask for this before!!! :o)

I’m away to bed to try and dream positive happy thoughts and think myself lucky for another AF free day :o)

I’m in the dreaded 2WW!!

22 10 2009

In the 2ww after IVF

So…  it’s been 5 full days since ET.

I’ve started charting again using Fertility Friend and it’s great to have my chart to complete every morning, it also helps keep me from getting bored whilst I lie and let the progesterone “sink” in (not that I’ve been told to do this, I’ve just decided it can’t do any harm!). I’ve to administer the progesterone gel every morning until I go for my blood test/pregnancy test at the clinic on the 28th (only 6 days away). I was told I was going to be given a pessary but my idea of a pessary is like the Canesten one you get for thrush, ie a tablet that you put up inside and it dissolves. Well the gel isn’t like that.

Here’s what I’ve been given: Crinone 8%

Progesterone gel

Progesterone gel

You twist off the circle at the end (shown at the far right on this picture) which opens the tube. You then insert the tube, then squeeze the square at the other end (shown at the far left on the picture) to force the liquid out.

As the day goes on it does feel like you’ve wet yourself slightly as this is the gel working it’s way out due to gravity!! At least it’s not a big injection in the butt!! :o)

My FF chart as of this morning looks like this:

FF Chart

FF Chart

So according to FF I’m 8DPO and I’m on CD 26. If this were a normal cycle I’d have definitely felt more cramps by now. I’m in no way ruling out that AF might still show up but I’m allowing myself to dream… is that stupid? You’d think by now that I’d be over that, that I’d learn to just wait until at least the day before AF shows before getting my hopes up. But that’s the rollercoaster which is TTC! I’ve already buckled and taken 2 PT’s, yip I POAS 2dp3dt, then again yesterday at 4dp3dt… I know I’m being stupid but again I live in hope! (PS I’ve not told DH about the POAS!!)

Usually a few days before AF shows up when I lie on my side in bed I can feel a stabbing pain, a sort of shifting of something, in my lower abdomen. I braced myself last night for it as I turned round to go to sleep and it didn’t happen… I know there are a few days yet and it might still happen but lets just say I went to sleep with a smile on my face last night!! :o)

A really good thing happened the other day, a lady who had her ER and ET on the same days, at the same clinic, who was in the same room as me for at least 4 hours has contacted me through this blog… I am soooo chuffed!! :o)

It’s true what they say, no one makes eye contact or speaks to you whilst you’re in the waiting room at a fertility clinic… and all I want to do is stand up and shout “My name is “Carole and I’m an Infertile, someone please speak to me”!!

Anyway, it’s great having someone to talk to who knows exactly how it feels to be another day closer to PT day without AF showing up! It’s so weird that we were in such close proximity and never met one another, thank you mister internet! :o)

There are a few other things that have been going round and round in my brain which I’ll post soon… hopefully once they are out and on this blog, they’ll not plague my thoughts!!

Happy ICLW everyone!

Until it’s official…

17 10 2009

I’m pregnant… well if the definition of pregnancy was “an embryo in the womb”, that’s what I am!! :o)

I had my ET this morning.

The embryologist told us that out of the 2 eggs which have fertilised, they were going to transfer the embryo that was at the 7 cell stage. She said they’be been graded too (from 1 to 5, 1 being the best) and the 7 cell stage embryo was grading at the top end of 2! She said they rarely saw grade 1 embryos. The other embryo was an 8 cell embryo but was of poor quality, hence the reason the 7 cell stage embryo was being used.

She also said the embryo they transferred was starting to show signs of compacting(?) whatever this is she said was a good sign (I shall ask Dr Google about that one).

The transfer was no where near as painful as the mock transfer. It was a different doctor so I’m wondering if that made a difference, mind you the day of the mock transfer I was on my period so that’s maybe why it was so sore. I’m glad it wasn’t sore as I wanted it to be as positive an experience as possible! Hard I know nothing would compare to BD with DH in our marital bed!!

I had to have a full bladder as this helps with the ultrasound apparently. It’s not that pleasant to have a speculum up inside your hoo ha and a probe pressed on your bladder… I so didn’t want to be the first person to pee on the docs hands!!

Anyway… the nurse said it was a good picture and then the doc called the embryologist (Louise) through with the embryo loaded catheter. It wasn’t sore and I could only tell it’s position by looking at the monitor positioned above my head. Once the doc was in the right place he “emptied” the catheter. I saw a bright spot and the nurse told me this was the fluid around the embryo… she even gave us a print out.


It’s not the best but it’s great to have a photo and the on-screen image was much clearer. I had previously asked about getting a photo of the embryo’s but the clinic doesn’t have a printer connected to the microscope apparently, disappointing but that’s life!

Meant to say DH was sat beside my head the full time and appeared dumb founded! He had to put scrubs and clogs on too which made me smile! The nurse handed him the print out of the scan photo which I thought was nice. When we were back in the ward he said whilst pointing at the photo “That’s my boy!” :0) Well here’s hoping it is sweetheart!!!

I started taking the projesterone gel yesterday morning and I’ve to continue taking it every day until the PT. At first I didn’t want to take the gel because it’s administered vaginally and I have recurrent bouts of thrush and I don’t want it to coz me to get it more often (day 2 and it’s looking good so far… of course it’s too early but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for that too). I’ve also read on other blogs that the PIO are quite sore so looks like I’ve got the long end of the stick for a change!

Not today!

16 10 2009

The clincic phoned earlier… the embryologist has recommended we don’t transfer today and has rescheduled ET for 2moro morning.

Now I’m starting to panic and worry that both embyo’s will die!

My S-I-L says that maybe it’ll just make them stronger… I’m clinging on to that thought! :o)

I also googled embryo quality and what stage they should be at by 2moro and found this site very informative: Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago

2 embryo’s :o)

15 10 2009

I’ve just phoned the clinic, 2 of the 6 eggs retreived yesterday have fertilised and I’ve to go in 2moro at 11.15am to get them transferred! :)

I was a wee bit disappointed to hear only 2 fertilised but what if none of them had fertilised?! That would have been so much worse.

Hope I feel bit better 2moro, been constipated since yesterday afternoon and it’s so sore :o(