It has been a strange one…
But first let me congratulate “A” on her BFP!! :o) We went through the IVF together, although unknown to each other at the time. It’s good to know that it does work and although I unfortunately fell on the wrong side of the stats this time (it’s got to be someone) I’m so pleased for her and her family. Like us all, she deserves it!!
That’s 3 IVF success stories I’ve heard in the past month or so, all 3 have been single ET’s too, which is good news!
Being at work on Monday was torture but at the same time it saved me from losing it big time! A friend at work met me in the toilets and I told her what had happened, I could hardly say “my period is here” because of the sobs! Not the best when anyone (including the Chief Exec) can walk in at any time.
She gave me the first part of good advice that day: “If it’s not worked, it’s for a reason, it just wasn’t meant to be!” It might sound harsh but she knows me and knows that’s my way of thinking too. I do believe that when I do fall pregnant it will be the right time, that when my kid is at primary school and meets his first set of friends it’s all been dependent upon me falling pregnant at the right time. (I’ve just read that back and realised I said “his”, maybe it’s a premonition!!).
But that’s been the hardest part… telling people and them cuddling me. That’s what makes me remember and have to deal with the emotions. When I’m not talking about it I function completely normally, I can deal with it in my mind. But I just had a text from a friend asking how the IVF was going, texting back that it didn’t work had me choking back the tears. To be honest I think I’m scared to let the flood gates open, I don’t want to be a total wreck.
My toilet friend suggested I call the clinic just to see what they would say, I wouldn’t normally phone but she convinced me to. When I told the girl at the clinic that my period had arrived she was very sympathetic but did say if it was brownish that wasn’t so bad but if it was bright red that would probably mean it hadn’t worked. About an hour later, you’ve guessed it… bright red blood!! The horrible thing (sorry that’ll be another horrible thing) about it was that it went right through and on to my trousers and I had to have been wearing the lightest pair of trousers I own!!!
I did think about going home but the thought of going home to an empty house had me pulling myself together and as I had a hairdressers appointment for lunchtime I thought it would keep my mind occupied on other things for a bit. It did help and I’m sure I pulled of being “normal”! All was going well until my hairdresser asked me if I could hear my biological clock ticking??? I have known him for over 15 years so we do know each other quite well but this is the first time he’s asked me that… and he had to ask me that on that day of all days!! However I replied that I did hear it every day, to which he replied… “well?” I replied “it’s not happening!”. Luckily that was the end of the subject as I asked more about his kids!
The second piece of good advice I got was from a woman at my Mums work. She’s been through 3 failed IVF attempts and is about to embark on her 4th. She said “I’m not going to patronise you, you know your own body!” And she was right, I just knew!!
Unfortunately I still had to go for my blood test at the clinic on Wednesday, something to do with the HFEA having to know the result of every cycle started. The nurse taking my blood asked me if I still wanted to call back for the results, when I said I would really rather not she was okay with that.
The only good thing about going to the clinic on Wednesday was that I met “A”. She’d contacted me through this site and we have been exchaning emails ever since. I was sitting with my back to the entrance of the waiting room when she called my name. I just knew it was her and I can’t believe the sense of relief I felt. It was like meeting up with a very old friend when I needed them the most, after not seeing them for years. I think it’s just that she knew how I was feeling, like no one else could because we’d been on the same journey together.
I am so glad Wednesday is over with and I think it was actually easier having my period arrive before test day. Because that would have been an extra 2 days full of hope and then to have been told the blood test was negative would have hit me like a sledge hammer.
So the next thing to do in my IVF journey is to meet up with the consultant to review my case. I’m not expecting him to be able to tell me exactly why it didn’t work but I have a few questions of my own, like “why did my period arrive bang on schedule when I’ve been taking progesterone, isn’t that meant to delay the onset of menses/extend the luteal phase?”.
I’m also a bit peeved that they never carried out any real infertility tests before offering me IVF, it was the first and only treatment they offered me. I’ve heard loads of bloggers say they’ve tried clomid/IUI’s etc but these were never offered to me.
I’ve always thought my luteal phase is on the short side, in this cycle it was only 11 days and I was taking progesterone for 9/10 of those days (I didn’t take it the morning after my period arrived). It ranges from 9-11 days most months but this was something that was never investigated. When I had my first appointment at the sub-fertility clinic I showed the nurse my charts but she dismissed them. And it feels like my opinions aren’t of much importance really, no one wants to know if you’re charting or have paid any attention to the details of your menstrual cycle.
I’m thinking that I don’t want to dive in to try IVF #2 just now because I think it will fail again. Not that I’m feeling pessimistic about it all, it’s just that I think it’s my luteal phase length that’s the problem and if that’s not fixed the embryo won’t implant the next time either.
So… I’ve been investigating Luteal Phase Defects (LPD) and I’ve started taking Vitamin B6, Raspberry Leaf and I’ve changed my folic acid tablets from a general conception/pregnancy one to one specifically for women trying to conceive.
It just feels good to be doing something…
I’ve got more to write but I’ve been hogging the laptop all night, DH’s getting impatient about his turn!!
Thanks for all the kind words of support, I’ll reply to you all when I’ve got more time x